What You Have Helps Me Turn Down The Noise That I Make
Finally, all those noises and thoughts racing through my mind have stopped all together. Lately my mind has been elsewhere. I suppose “lately” doesn’t quite correctly quantify this length of time, but suffice it to say, it’s been a while.
As I walked to the Safeway today, I stopped at the intersection on 15th and looked across the street and I saw a girl standing over on the other side, looking back at me. The line between dream and reality blurred for a second as the world inside my head appeared to be spilling into the world around me. The rain stopped for that fraction of a moment and all the rest of the world fadded away as she become the focus of my wandering eyes. I say this now because that girl looked just like her, the girl that I dreamed about for so long and finally left behind.
Of course, it turns out that she was just some stranger, passing along on a rainy Seattle morning going about her business. Strangely enough, even in that fraction of a second when I believed that she was really standing right there several feet in front of me, I didn’t feel anything at all. Not hope, nor anger, nor fear, nor joy filled this empty vessel of mine. This scares me. Ever since I tried getting over her, I haven’t loved anything in life in quite the same way.
Occasionally, small things spike my blood, like a good discussion about the latest Arrow episode or watching the crazy antics of the guys in The League, but those moments feel so transient. In the past, small moments of happiness would wrap around me in the moment, and sink into my body and stay with me for hours, or even days. Now, it seems that the small moments just pass right through me, like a ghost through walls (or atomic scale particles and a very thin barrier).
Lately, I just feel like quiting. I don’t have a job, so I don’t mean quitting in that sense, but I just don’t have the mental capacity to keep going. It doesn’t help that I really don’t like engineering either.
I’ve never really had too many plans for my future, but I finally reached a point where I have none. For the last few years, the thought of returning home and being with her again kept me going and working hard so I could build a future for myself. Now, I’d rather build atop sand and watch everything collapse again and again. Ehh… that sounds like too much work. I’d probably just be sitting there on the sand letting those grains run through my fingers and slip away forever.
Yup, it’s pretty quite here on my mental beach all by myself. Or maybe it’s more like desert, like the Sahara. Yes. That’s probably closer. With her around, the water rushed all around the sandy dunes and brought with it the crashing waves and salty air. Now, the waters have receeded and I’m talking to myself. Good thing no one else is around to see me, or else they’d think I was a crazy person.
If I turned off myself completely, I could close down this lonely beach. I could close down everything and turn down the noises inside me.